My walls are still up, but they’re weakening by the tear fall. I’m not sure how I feel anymore. Sometimes I feel better; on most days at least. Those days are good to me, the distractions seem to work – The illusion of moving on without vivid intentions on either end, lust and everything else attached uncertainly to it. When the day’s over I have only enough energy to study and pull my covers over my head. If it ever seats in however, bitter or sweet, wrong or right reason, it’s just another added distraction. I’m afraid soon it won’t be enough though. It’s already beginning to feel like it and there’s only so much I can ignore around me that screams out everything I don’t want to remember. My walls maybe up, but they’ve weakened.
Mornings are the worse now, they usually always were. It’s when most of my doubts would hit me. Right around the time when my eyes open, my brain virtually awakens and my emotional being has risen. It’s as if my mind goes into total reboot from the night’s rest and I have to teach myself all over again everything I need to, to regain whatever strength and motivation I need to carry on with my day. I’m not sure what I am. I’m not sure if I’m bored, lonely or frustrated. But I know that every once in a while ..as often and sometimes as rare as it comes there’s another feeling. I cannot say what it is only because I don’t know. It surpasses happiness but isn’t overwhelming. Maybe it’s hope. I mean after all, isn’t that all we can really do? Hope. Hope to not end up with the wrong regrets.
Last night was new. My mind felt like a blank slate for the first time in a really long time, and as short as that moment was, no more than two minutes, it felt good. I’m not sure if it was just seeing something new or it seeming so surreal. Even when just like that, with a few words, it was all gone, and my exact reason behind wanting to feel it again had catapulted me back to where I’d come from, I didn’t realise how much I’d missed it. The feeling of not having a hate in the world, not a scratch or single missing piece from my soul or a bitter feeling in my bone. I’d wished to savour it more. It’d made me forget for a couple minutes the past six months of my life and how irrelevant problems can seem next to tall buildings and open seas.
It’s gone now, replaced with the events of today that has only left me a little more…shattered than I was the day before. But funny enough just like last night, even for a split second between 10 minute intervals and every roll of droplets at the end of streaming tears down my face, I feel it again, the renewal of something. I’m no hopeless romantic, I am as retarded as far as romantic goes. I stopped believing in fairytales and happy ever afters simply because they don’t exist. It was no love story… it was just me and my deepest thoughts above moving vehicles, facing a city that represented endless possibilities and being so small never felt so good.
I’m starting to not know the meaning of coincidence or understand the signs of the universe anymore. I used to think the best thing to do was to listen, follow the signs. Now I personally think the universe needs to learn to shut up sometimes.
Its been a trip over the past couple months. Everything’s moving so quickly yet so slowly in some aspects it’s overwhelming. It’s as if I can’t keep up with anything anymore and if it’s one thing I know for sure that’s sinking in as deep as still waters run, it’s regret. I know, I know, ‘don’t regret the things that once made you smile’. But what if in the end you’d rather just been ‘not happy’ all along, rather than dealing with it’s absence, does that count as an reasonable excuse ?
“You know those nights when you go to bed feeling like shit hoping that the morning to come is going to be better but you just end up feeling more like shit?
Every night, every morning, every bus ride, every train ride, routine is not even a word to describe it. Maybe I’m just sad. The kind of sad that takes a whole lot of time. The kind of sad that makes you never want to know what being happy feels like any more just so things wont go bad and you won’t have to start being sad all over again.”
That was how I felt 5 months ago. Sad. And the very same happiness I thought I didn’t want to feel ever again, came wooh-ing me with answers to questions I thought I didn’t want to hear, slight efforts I didn’t want to notice, genuineness I didn’t want to believe, but yet still I welcomed it in. And now I’m not so sure why because I think I’m becoming sad all over again.
Happiness is just outside my window
Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?
Or is happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in?
Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can’t make it come or go
But you are gone- not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good
Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks
Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar
Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you’ll never find it all
Let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she’ll be home
Home, home, home
You know those nights when you go to bed feeling like shit hoping that the morning to come is going to be better but you just end up feeling more like shit?
Every night, every morning, every bus ride, every train ride, routine is not even a word to describe it. To be in such a familiar place, that seemed so foreign, even though you’ve recognized every single shop you’ve passed, yet your still totally lost. Maybe I’m just sad. The kind of sad that takes a whole lot of time. The kind of sad that makes you never want to know what being happy feels like any more just so you won’t have to start being sad all over again.
“But you are gone – not for good but for now
And gone for now feels a lot like gone for good”
Can we forget the past
I miss you I mean it
And if love is made of glass
Can we pick up the pieces
Due to my non existent social life, guess who’s some how (I swear I don’t know how it happened) into reading. Ah yes! Yours truly.
Saturday afternoon called for a nice bus ride to Barnes and Nobles Down town. Rewarded myself with a new journal as well after picking up this book. “Kiss and Blog”. It’s pretty much about ….. well … your typical High school teenage (almost) best friends. Long story short..One gets popular, the other doesn’t and takes revenge by creating a nasty blog about her best friend revealing all of her dirty little secrets. Girl drama indeed.
It really just had me thinking the lengths we go for popularity though. To be known. To be noticed. Not realizing what it comes with. I mean let’s face it, you’re probably not going to be liked by many for your “upper status”. Fight downs, haters… whatever we call them these days. I’m probably barely making any sense with this post and should probably stop since I feel like I’m getting no where with it. I think maybe because I haven’t put in such deep thought into it as I should have before attempting to post. This is really just a graze of the scalp, so bare with me. But really though, I mean we’ve seen the outcome of most of these prom queens, I can’t imagine what’s so great about the rants and name calling and rumours; I must be missing out. But it’s high time we realized maybe we’re not all meant to be Princes and Princesses. Some of us are meant to be the trees and the grass in the background, the rocks on the river bed and as unbelievable and nonsensical as it may seem, we’re just as important as the Prince and Princess. I’m pretty sure Mr n Mrs Charming didn’t lay on the desert sands… or whatever (oh lord I’m bad at jokes). I’m just saying maybe the spotlight isn’t for everyone, neither is it as good as it may seem. But like all situations and circumstances known, someone has to be an example, which I feel is just life. How else would we learn and know better. You’d think obviously by learning from others, when it’s clearly not the case. IF though, by any circumstance it can be avoided, I say why not avoid it. I know common sense is probably not as common as we may think it to be but let’s not be so dumb about the decisions we make, the things we say, the way we act and the things or people we chose to follow and take to look up to.