Out again. Vacation is over. Making ends meet, putting things together, taking up a whole lot of responsibilities.. looking out for the long run; MY long run.
The life is about to begin and I’m just trying to stay open minded, and stay focused. It’s hard when there’s so much going on around you, but I’m learning to stay humble and be patient. My time to be calling shots isn’t here just yet. First I must humble, to listen and to have faith.
It’s a whole new attitude that I’m trying to in cooperate into my life that I know will take some time getting into but at the very same time benefit me in the end. I know it won’t be easy but as humans we learn to adapt over a period of time. Adjust and adapt as change is inevitable right ?
It’s a new start and I’m grateful. With prayer and faith in the most high, I know I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me.
One of many days tomorrow. Wish me luck !
I came to think of something today. Something that I’ve subconsciously had on my mind for perhaps quite some time that only today, all of a sudden becomes a question no more trivial. Attempting never to answer mainly to avoid self doubt and even the questioning of my own intentions.
“At what point in time do you differentiate between ‘letting go’ and ‘holding on’?”
I mean, when does it become an obvious or perfect time to decide whether or not to hang it up and walk away ? I wish it was as simple as holding up a burning match and letting go in time that the fire doesn’t burn your finger. But we can only wish that it was.
Ahhhh ! Tattoos. Shades and shapes, letters and portraits, stained tissues and spilled ink. I’m thinking I’m wayyy overdue. 6 years overdue at that! Thinking about it, I was pretty much obsessed at getting one at some point. I even wanted to open up a shop of my own, which is still definitely a goal of mine to be accomplished.
I’ve substituted my wanting though, for piercings and colouring and cutting of my hair. I’ve went from long, to short, to shaved sides, to curly, to blue, to red, to blonde and now to rusty orange, which I must warn might soon change as well. All just temporary image enhancers though. I’ve never been accustomed to one look. I think being spontaneous is an essential part of life. Trying new things. But obviously with discretion and that’s something I’ve always tried to use.They say when that ink settles in though, it becomes somewhat of an addiction and eventually as time passes you feen and feen. Something I think I’d like to experience for my own.
For now I’m still trying to figure out the perfect place to lay one on. (You know, since it’s permanent and all that) and being the picky twerky person that I am, it is a challenge to decide on a location. I’ve thought of the word “life” in Arabic on my womb area, near the caesarian line, but then I thought what if I had a caesarian section birthing a child…that could be pretty messy, No. Then I thought of music notes behind my ear, which to me has become way to common these days, No. Believe me I have scanned and unfortunately still searching. Certain places though I wouldn’t dare go. For example I think tattoos on the thighs are ghetto. Tattoos on the lower back and lower front hip/waist area, a bit slutty, Sleeve, a bit too masculine .. And so on and so forth. I don’t know. Be it now or later or maybe, just maybe for my 18th birthday. I’m just saying. You never know right ?!
I’m Sorry I’m A Sucker For This Hopeless Romantic Bullshit !
How do you end something that never started but you know was always and will always be there ? How do you come to agree with someone that you’re in love with that you both want different things and “being together” isn’t one of them ? That you’re better apart and that you think you both should move on with your lives?
Reality always over rules and sooner or later it will; as much as some of us try to run away from it. As much as we made something blindly misunderstood seem so real, so important, so much like … fate ? :S How do you say Good-Bye to the only one that made you feel ever so alive again? Someone who at the time felt so genuine and trustworthy to give it all too? Your heart, your body, your trust, your word, your promise …your love. Even when you promised yourself never to be blind to such deceit ever again. But the second time around, you fall and you fall harder than ever. Because it felt so good. And after all has been said and done .. How do you accept that maybe .. it’s just not meant to be?
Optimistically, I believe that things happen and they happen for a reason. That God never gives us burdens he knows we cannot bare. Sometimes the things we want the most, are the things we’re better off without, but that don’t mean we stop thinking about what having it, be it for the first, second or third time, would be like. Hearts Break, tears are shed, loved ones are lost … I’ll cry, I’ll be bitter, I’ll be lost, I’ll be angry- BUT I’ll be fine, just not today.
I said I wouldn’t let it happen again, but the first love is always the sweetest right? More like bitter sweet perhaps. This one says that, whiles the other does and says something else. It’s all a stupid competition that I honestly don’t want to be apart of. Not only because I know way better than to waste my time engaging in disputes that may never benefit me in the long run, but because I have put up with enough to know damn well this isn’t what I deserve.
Now I know that “feeling”, wasn’t love and butterflies and all good things, most of it was common sense leaving my body, drifting away leaving me high off stupidity. We put in so much time, so much effort; Being so engulfed in the present, making decisions based only on how we feel at the moment, that the possibilities of the “what if” or the “maybe” never seem to exist. An then we end up giving people the time of day and the respect they don’t deserve from us. And you sit and think that your life is some sort of fairytale. HA !