Rather than being on your computer like you usually are, you decide to watch t.v instead; and out of all the interesting channels you could be watching, you’re somehow watching that channel; and out of all the movies that could be playing on that channel, that movie is playing; and out of a guh-zillion names to be chosen from, one character has that name.
I’d like to believe in coincidence over this hopeless romantic bullshit, but at this point I’m looking for every single right reason to cave when I know it should be the last thing on my to do list. But it’s all to familiar the way things fall right into place. My subconscious is scolding me, making sure that her bottle of guilt-ka (guilt flavoured vodka) is in effortless reach and she’s threatening to drink the whole bottle. She’s gathered the left over dusts of my pride in front of a fan, and she’s threatening to turn the switch on, leaving it all scattered and unable to be reassembled; And lemme tell you, she don’t bluff. Bitch !
Yaye ! I’ve been saved … from the humiliation of absolute obvious rejection. Not exactly the kind of heroic scenario I was hoping for, but at least I’m back at a shakey, indecisive balance on my over worked ‘feeling-metre’. A warm cozy spot, right between shitty and ecstatic.
I find it ultimately hard to stay motivated sometimes. My energy and mood is as unpredictable as an irregular period cycle. One minute I’m beaming with ideas the other minute I doubt them and think of the endless negative or unsuccessful possibilities that could dominate.
It’s the patience I think that I lack that no J. M. Gracia book could possibly teach me. It’s a self training thing I suppose … which also requires patience. See where I’m going with this? If it was only possible for me to accomplish a task right then and there, right at the first hour of thinking about it, Oh the achievements. Herreee wee goooo …. take for example this post. I don’t even remember what it was meant to be about so now I’m in doubt as to whether or not I should even click that “Publish” button on the side. I might just .. I might just not. I’m only still typing because .. well … it’s my blog and there’s really nothing else to do around here other than procrastinate on the idea of even looking at my assignments for school.
I should probably write a book. If only writing a book could’ve been done in under an hour, if my interest could bare to last so long. But maybe it could, given all my FML moments and the annoying yet exciting drama’s of my “not even 2 decades yet” of existence.
I’m succumbing to defeat, indulging in the bitter sweet agony of my desperation and shamefully accepting my weakness. I can feel my pride crumbling beneath me; and my sanity… why can’t the earth just open up and swallow me? It’s me against my subconscious, my pride .. myself dammit ! I’m against myself. I’m running out of good reason, even excuses to stay away and nurture what’s left of me, which I must warn is no more than what’s left of my comprehension.
I’m slowly cracking, soon to surrender and I know it. I need saving … “All heroes apply.”
You’d think that because your day started off a bit on the good side, you’d end up going to bed with it that way.
First school soccer game attending. #17. Tall, perfectly handsome, sun kissed and gorgeous.
There was uphill where possibilities were endless and then, there was downhill.
This is my analogy of the situation: It’s like noticing the unhealthy of being over weight. You look in the mirror, you go “hey, this is bad .. I need to do something about this”. You decide to put measures in place. So you cut off certain things and you inhabit healthier ones. You take it so slow, so you start eating better first. Then you decide to step it up and go to the gym. You burn 250 calories. Proud so you reward yourself .. Only to gobble back in 300. Taking 1 step forward and then 10 back.
In reality a lot of us think we’re putting the past behind us. You feel like your going somewhere no matter how slow your moving only to realize that all you’re doing is subconsciously finding a replacement.
So here you are, almost back to where you started and the only thing stopping your from taking that last step backward, right back to your beginning, is your pride.
“…Even if you only get part of it right, Live for today, Plan for tomorrow, Party tonight …”
“And we way too young to know love, maybe not but we don’t need no rush…”