Mornings are the worse now, they usually always were. It’s when most of my doubts would hit me. Right around the time when my eyes open, my brain virtually awakens and my emotional being has risen. It’s as if my mind goes into total reboot from the night’s rest and I have to teach myself all over again everything I need to, to regain whatever strength and motivation I need to carry on with my day. I’m not sure what I am. I’m not sure if I’m bored, lonely or frustrated. But I know that every once in a while ..as often and sometimes as rare as it comes there’s another feeling. I cannot say what it is only because I don’t know. It surpasses happiness but isn’t overwhelming. Maybe it’s hope. I mean after all, isn’t that all we can really do? Hope. Hope to not end up with the wrong regrets.
Last night was new. My mind felt like a blank slate for the first time in a really long time, and as short as that moment was, no more than two minutes, it felt good. I’m not sure if it was just seeing something new or it seeming so surreal. Even when just like that, with a few words, it was all gone, and my exact reason behind wanting to feel it again had catapulted me back to where I’d come from, I didn’t realise how much I’d missed it. The feeling of not having a hate in the world, not a scratch or single missing piece from my soul or a bitter feeling in my bone. I’d wished to savour it more. It’d made me forget for a couple minutes the past six months of my life and how irrelevant problems can seem next to tall buildings and open seas.
It’s gone now, replaced with the events of today that has only left me a little more…shattered than I was the day before. But funny enough just like last night, even for a split second between 10 minute intervals and every roll of droplets at the end of streaming tears down my face, I feel it again, the renewal of something. I’m no hopeless romantic, I am as retarded as far as romantic goes. I stopped believing in fairytales and happy ever afters simply because they don’t exist. It was no love story… it was just me and my deepest thoughts above moving vehicles, facing a city that represented endless possibilities and being so small never felt so good.
I’m starting to not know the meaning of coincidence or understand the signs of the universe anymore. I used to think the best thing to do was to listen, follow the signs. Now I personally think the universe needs to learn to shut up sometimes.
Its been a trip over the past couple months. Everything’s moving so quickly yet so slowly in some aspects it’s overwhelming. It’s as if I can’t keep up with anything anymore and if it’s one thing I know for sure that’s sinking in as deep as still waters run, it’s regret. I know, I know, ‘don’t regret the things that once made you smile’. But what if in the end you’d rather just been ‘not happy’ all along, rather than dealing with it’s absence, does that count as an reasonable excuse ?